Even If My Grandma is not A Good Person

December 2016.

My grandmother died. My mother accompanied her for half a year. I haven’t realized it yet. In fact, honestly, i don’t feel sad because I really have been sincere.

Flashback to previous years, when I was hurt by the words spoken by my grandmother, I immediately burst into tears. Grandma once shouted at me loudly. Since then, I was very afraid of her. I’m not comfortable. Although several times I was forced to stay a day or two to accompany my mother to stay at my grandmother’s house, I agreed. I also don’t know how to refuse her invitation.

I really hate that dark incident. I still feel the pain. Even though those harsh words weren’t for me, I still felt pain. Yes, of course, I realized that maybe at that time I was going through puberty and being a sensitive woman. That’s ok, several times I gave in and made it fair.

A week before my grandmother died, I had thought it would happen one day, but I didn’t know. During that week, my mother told me that my grandmother’s condition was deteriorating and that it was difficult to breathe. Several times my grandmother was unconscious then conscious and then unconscious again. I know it was a difficult time for their children, especially my mother.

November 2021.

My mother told me a long story about my grandmother’s life. About his rented house, his brother’s betrayal, the struggle to make ends meet, his children’s hard times, and the struggle against her illness. I cried, but I held it in because I was ashamed huhu. I believe my grandmother was a great warrior. As a single parent for 33 years and caring for 8 children is not easy. I’m sad because I just realized this. Really, I’m sad. I am sorry.

The harsh and harsh words spoken by my grandmother might become a ticking time bomb that made my grandmother a firm person in educating her offspring so that we are not stupid in their actions. And I finally understood why my grandmother did that.

May, 2022.

I visited my grandmother’s house. I saw my grandmother’s old room. A room full of warmth and millions of fond memories. I remember the colorless photo of my grandmother with sadness. My grandmother, the woman who prayed for me when I was born, the woman who was by my side when I was away from my mother, the woman who stood up for me no matter what the circumstances, the woman who gave me money and clothes when I was little, the woman who hugged me when I needed help. She is my grandmother.

After I loved my grandmother, I learned that my grandmother was a faithful and honest woman.

My grandmother knew my grandfather at a young age. They fell in love at first sight. My grandmother accepted my grandfather as he is. Their lives last until the end of life. My grandmother sells pecel (typical food from Central Java) on the side of the road alone. That food is well-known and well-known until this day. My grandmother was honest with everything, especially when it came to finances. The pain from the harsh words of the past had disappeared. I can’t cry. I just want to go back in time, if I could but of course I can’t.

I realized too late that my grandmother loved me very much. Whatever it is, this is my grandmother’s last way of life. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to say “I’m sorry” and “I love you”. Really, I miss you. I will continue to pray for you whenever and wherever as long as I live.

Even if my grandma is not a good person, i still love her.

Allah SWT with her in heaven. Aamiin.

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